Transparent eyes

Author: Elf

i'm high functional autistic. 4th week tenth month in 2025; always remember who you are. entry third week forth month. it’s in august 2024; i have been practicing the movement of the tao. i have found Sun Wukong’s story helpful. enfant terrible. i have no need of becoming other than the being on the path exactly as i am. my friends have always been of other species. they are my kin as there is no shame there. Only the truth of me. entry last week of the first month. It’s in June 2024; Lately i’ve been doing vipassana meditation like a monastic seriously. My life has crumbled and this is the only thing i know. entry almost new year apr2024; all my life have a weird perspective hardwired into me that i can't shift. i know all other people don't see this and i even know it is not going to happen, but i firmly feel that when people hear what i have to suggest, that they will go, "oh yes, lets do that because that is how it is and all will be wonderful", and of course it hasn't happened, but something keeps me walking toward that anyway. it truly is an autistic thing, in that i'm thinking, how come they don't do that? can't they see it? isn't it straight forward and a clear picture? It is just too totally different brain builds i think, but i'm in a loop because of it. It's like i'm trying to find the one who does see it and until then i'm lost. i do know i don't do things very well though. I think i'm doing it totally wrong and everyone can see it and i have not the ability to fix it. i never stop working on it but i fail every second. Lately i've been doing vipassana meditation like a monastic seriously. My life has crumbled and this is the only thing i know. entry early april, just before the real time natural calendar new year 2024 much not of linghand hand world, work can't much or train can't much sick coz is, but inggo go do keep i. thank you i grateful much much. "Entry new new solstice winter 2023 brain brain break break now now over edge push push I break break it break break answer answer no no no can can hit hit head head 5years old old hit hit head head life life in in later later articulate can can but but go go letting letting now now safety i imagination powerful vivid face can can violin bow bow get i get i excited yay yay" brain brain let let break break, world can change i i it change change it it all all it it. can can change world if brain break. back back front front come come what is is. Fili head head hit hit bolt bolt on on 5 years old when when Fili head head hit hit peat re peat re peat re peat ed ted ted ted li li li li re back back of of of of fist fist with with years old eleven ven ven ven when when Fili head head hit hit car car mirror mirror eye eye brow brow split split accident dent Fili head head hit hit concrete concrete faint faint split split skin skin eye brow brow big big life life in in later later Fili head head hit hit roof roof incab incab tor tor track track neck neck damage midge midge fili brain brain damage impair pair pair pair pair im im damaged damaged brain brain Fili autism born born fili wednesday day born born born fili fili happy happy now now. Face face can can can can danger danger scary scary bully bully over edge edge er push er push push dude dude gang gang. fili scientist be be stuff stuff build build vision see see can can will will yay yay yay yay. Wednesday Wednesday bow bow violin lin wand wand yay yay. --------------------------------------------------------------- entry origin ginal al I have a limitless imagination. My brain is different and all i've ever wanted to do is be a super hero and fly. Basically, i just want to dance. i'm a dancer. i trained in ballet and ballroom extensively when i was younger. I’ve not met anyone who speaks my language. My life has been dramatic since i could cognize. All people who come in contact with me, want me to be something that i not only can't be, but i am not, and they all want me to be this for them, knowing full well that it's never going to happen. i am alien and they know it but deny it. People depict what human is in effort to not have me different or unique, but i am unmistakably different and cannot be what i am not. What is left out always is that an alien being is also capable of love. Every being is love. The word alien does not mean i wasn't born to this realm, but i have lived and alienated life constantly being told that i must learn to be different than i am, as i have described. I am not allowed to say what i have just said. there is a whole year not in existence in me at all. it was the year i was thirteen years old which is the year academia begins, but it’s truly not there as i remember the year before and the year after very clearly. i loved the year before so much that it is truly the only happy year in my whole life. the yard stick is that there is no memory of any teachers or any students. the only memory of my classroom was; i was standing near my desk in a daze and i felt that i went back into a sleep. i think just before this, was the memory of being belted so hard in front of a teacher’s class, (who i didn’t know and can’t really remember what he looked like), that my hand went to about 5 inches from the floor four times. there is the memory of a kid’s face in the yard, i think just before being taken from the yard by the teacher, and a kid calling me away from where he said to wait, and three more snapshot sized pieces of memory, two of being pushed to stir a fight by a kid, and one of a fight with him, and that’s it. the fight was upsetting as i hurt him thinking to be able to take care of myself if it meant a fight, was what i was supposed to learn but it felt not good. i just got left with sadness for him and shame. i hate hurting anything. it hurts so much. i don’t know the succession of these memories, and the memories of being pushed by him are so vague, i almost can’t see them. i don’t know if the belting had anything to do with the fight, or just because it was his agenda. he never told me, and things like the kid telling me to leave where i was supposed to wait for him, looked set up. the kid’s face in the yard was so surreal he looked like he wasn’t even from the school. he and the fight kid are the only faces i remember. him once quite clearly, and the fight kid three times very vaguely. that is the whole year’s memory. there’s no memories at all for exactly one year at school, and there is ‘so nothing’ that i don’t even know if i was at a school, and the school i was sent to the next year was so rough i couldn’t study. i left as soon as i could. it’s almost like there wasn’t a school. no class teacher, no teacher at all. no anything. (maybe i could be so bold to say that i'm a trashed child prodigy. Trashed from the beginning so this is what we get). (It's no-one's fault. It just is.) I believe i have found a tool to help bring every facet of Mother Earth back to the garden of Eden she is by having all human know exactly where they are in the movement of the eternal now. i really do want to give this concept of the unclock to the human. i never stop working on it. i want it to arrive now and i want it to be free and it can be. Please forgive me if i may not come to your site. This is because i am autistic and to an extremely over-sensitive level. I am so deeply grateful for your gift of visiting me thank you and much love from Soli/Elf and the rest of me View all posts by Elf